Sikmurang walang tibay

hindi ko na nami miss masyado ang pilipinas. habang tumatagal, nararamdaman ko na nawawala na ang kapit ng bayan ko sa akin. pakiramdami ko minsan, ang tangi na lang na nagdudugtong sa pilipinas sa akin ay ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. parati kong naiisip ang mommy ko, pero, hindi ko na nakikita ang sarili ko na titira pa sa maynila. ewan ko, parang mali. sana pansamantala lang ito.

dati, araw-araw kong binabasa ang inquirer online para makasagap ng balita. kahit anong balita binabasa ko, basta tungkol sa pilipinas. pati nga yung mga showbiz column na di ko naman pinapansin nung araw ay pinapatulan ko. one time, nagkaroon pa nga ako ng collection ng mga picture ng pinay starlet na naka pose na parang bugtong tungkol sa gunting. ngayon, nawalan na ako ng interes (sa mga pinay na startlet at sa balita tungkol sa pilipinas).

nung nasa singapore kami, malimit kong naiisip ang bahay namin sa antipolo. parati ko ngang napapanaginipan na nagbubungkal ako ng lupa sa garden. dumarating pa nga minsan yung pagkakataon na tumatawag ako sa bahay para lang kamustahin yung mga tanim ko. malimit ko ring inaasam na higaan ang kama namin. masarap kasi itong tulugan dahil presko ang simoy ng hangin sa itaas. ngayon, iniisip ko na ibenta na lang ang bahay sa antipolo.

‘tanginangyan, nagiging amerikano na yata ako.

37 thoughts on “Sikmurang walang tibay

  1. okay lang yan manong batjay! what you are feeling is understandable. nobody can really blame you. he he. kahit nga andito ako sa pinas, di ako nakikinig o nanonood ng balita dito. eh wala namang maganda at mabuti kang maririnig na balita, tataas lang blood pressure mo!

  2. mahilig ka yatang kumain ng mamantikang pagkain, ate glo. tataas talaga BP mo. ayoko lang to not care anymore kay lang na burnout na yata ako for caring to much about my country.

  3. maraming salamat sa payo mo pero sa tingin ko eh yung nararamdaman ko ngayon ay hind kayang lutasin ng architecture.

    pero speaking about a great trip based on architecture, masarap bisitahin ang mga lumang simbahan sa lahat ng bayan ng rizal, laguna at quezon province. umpisahan mo sa antipolo pababa hanggang makarating ka sa border ng camarines.

    bring a digital SLR camera, it’s fucking spectacular.

  4. basta wag mo kaming makakalimutan dito….kahit tumanda ka na dyan, sana mapangiti ka pa rin pagnaalala mo ang masaya nating pagsasama nila kuya uly, ting, tolits atbp

  5. I remember my first trip to the States. It was an 18-month job assignment. I felt horrible the first few months I was here. I was always very happy when friends and co-workers from the Philippines came to visit. I then felt horrible afterwards once they had left. I had the feeling that I was abandoned, left alone in a strange land. There was even one night when I dreamt I was driving along a stretch of Buendia. Everything about the area was so vividly clear in my dream. I shed a tear or two when I woke up once I realized that I wasn’t there.

    I have since come back to the States to stay. Though I no longer miss the places in and around Manila, I still miss my relatives and friends. I still love the country and I still care for it deeply. Though I’m not there physically, I haven’t abandoned it in my heart. Though some may scoff at the thought, I remain hopeful that things will get better someday.

  6. ako rin kuya batjay when i first came here i really miss being in manila tapos when i decided to come back thats when i realize na di ko na pala miss ang manila ang mga taong mahal ko lang sa buhay i tried to stay there for 6 months with my daughter di ko rin natiis bumalik din kami dito..i felt bad for my daughter cos she was sick all the time in and out kami sa medical city parang every week andun kami.
    i hope things get better manila and it will always be in my heart too…

  7. hindi naman siguro yun ang ibig sabihin nun, bosing. Palagay ko, ang interpretation dun ay nakapag adapt ka na sa surroundings mo. Tingnan mo at pag-uwi mo dito, babalik ang kung ano man ang feeling mo about the Philippines. Wag mo lang pakatagalin ng husto at baka ma alienate ka na nga ng tuluyan.

    how about tomorrow kaya? 🙂

  8. oo nga bukas, para maabutan ko pa yung eat bulaga sa wednesday ng tanghali.

    salamat sa pag comment. bakit hinika ba yung anak mo sa alikabok?

    i remember my first trip to the states. my first day was spent in jersey city. gusto ko na agad umuwi sa pilipinas dahil parang walang pinagkaiba.

  9. di ko alam kung bakit but somehow, the story ‘Dead Stars’ by Paz Marquez Benitez comes to mind

    well, maybe sometimes it just happens, this alienation by time and space from something (or someone) you once were so passionate about. or if I may be allowed a shot at profundity…

    the pragmatist in me would say that maybe this was necessary. it’s hard to survive being away in a strange land if one continuously cloaks oneself with sentiments of longing for familiar places , of home, of roots, of loved ones. sometimes we have to shed such feelings in order to survive each day that we have to spend away because there comes a point when it becomes too heavy a baggage and it makes us unable to serve the purpose for which we were put where we are..

    it’s not necessarily a permanent thing. maybe in a way you are compartmentalizing your life, or your environment so that you can prioritize for the present. maybe in the future, things would have changed. maybe in the future, you can afford donning the cloak of such sentiments again.

    for now, you are doing what you need to do. that is what’s important.

  10. i love your explanation mylab and i think that you are so correct. sa lahat ng mga nag comment, yung sa iyo made the most sense. gusto ko yung idea mo ng adoption at compartmentalizing – yun lang ang nakikita ko that really explains what i feel. perhaps when this is all over, we can come home.

  11. hello po. after reading your post and the exchanges of comments, i realize how i can relate to the situation and the truth beyond the comments. siguro nga po, nakakaadopt na kayo – i can say that for myself din siguro. tapos andun ung miss ko na ang place and the people back home of course pero yung thought na mahirap maghanap ng work para makasurvive ang starting family back home is quit something to consider.

    ma’am jet, ang galing ng statements nyo po. nga pala, i will link in your blog na rin ha. 🙂 cheers to you two!

  12. This is my first time to comment but I am a long-time reader of this blog. I can’t helf to comment kasi I can relate with your feelings. I’m here in Canada (almost 7 years na). On our 4th year here, we went home for a visit. I almost don’t want to leave the country. What with all the loved ones that we were leaving behind? It’s a dreadful feeling that i have to be back to a strange country while my family was in Pinas. Just like you and Jet, it’s just me and my husband here. Ayoko na pagdaanan uli yung hirap ng paga-adjust to the new environment. So when we (me and my husband) felt that we are fully adopted to our new home we decided to visit Pinas. Believe it or not, leaving the country for the second time around wasn’t any easier. In fact, pagtake off ng plane sabay bagsak ng luha ko. All the emotions I felt the first time I left all came back in a rush. Inisip ko na lang na mas marami akong matutulungan kung magi-stay ako sa Canada. Another three years had passed since that visit, feeling ko hindi ko na rin kayang tumira sa manila pero at the back of my mind I’m looking forward to my retirement years para when I go back home I can stay for good or leave when I want to not when I have to.

    That feeling is a way of coping up with the situation. It will be difficult for us who left Pinas to adjust to our adoptive country if we don’t cut off some of the ties from our beloved land.

  13. thanks very much for the visit. mas gusto ko pag yung mga nag co-comment ay yung mga OFW na tulag ko with similar experiences.

    i know exactly how you feel – the alienation of the first few months, the difficulty of the first few years and then the realization and acceptance.

    in a way, it’s like the different stages of grieving. in this case, you’re grieving for the home you aren’t in anymore.

  14. kanya kanya yan…pero hanga ako sa pag unawa mo sa sarili mo at pag amin sa pagsulat ng iyong saloobin…wala na akong madadagdag na di pa nasabi…ang salmon bago mamatay bumabalik sa kung saan eksakto ito nailuwal….hindi naman tayo salmon…pero iba rin ang pakiramdam na magbalik at mahalin muli ang inang bayan….

  15. salamat pare ko. yan nga pilit kong ginagawa – maging honest sa kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko sa bayan ko. hindi naman ako nawalan ng pagmamahal sa kanya, di ko lang kayang tumira roon ng hindi magiging corrupt.

    kung salmon ang metaphor natin eh gusto ko, chinook ako.

  16. unkyel, i can totally relate to what you are feeling, and what auntie said. i lived near hunters point in SF when i came here – just like you said, it didn’t seem muh of a difference to where I lived in the philippines, if anything it’s even worse. for the couple years here in CA, i’ve been wanting to go home every year, but i didn’t always have the money, and when i finally got a good job, i had to put my family first. meanwhile my friends and family in the philippines all moved on with their lives. i felt it was harder and harder to hang on to the sentiments and the thought of going back home, and what i thought of being loyal or being patriotic to my home land. i realized it became easier to adapt when i started to let go and accept that my adoptive land is now my home. not that i was dying or felt like it, i came to visit couple of years ago after 20 yrs, and was really disappointed with the air pollution and water contamination in my hometown where air and water used to be pristine. =( but that is another story altogether.

    i really luv what auntie said. i’d never leave home without her. =)

  17. thank you.

    oo para kang nasa isang twisted time machine. you arrive in the hometown you haven’t visited in ages and expect to continue conversations that you had with the people when you were there many years ago.

  18. hello, Batjay! This would also be my first time to comment although i had been reading your wacky but sensitive blog for a while. My apologies for not being an OFW although my being married to a foreigner is somewhat akin to adapting to another culture and way of looking at life. I had stayed abroad also for a while and when in manhattan I would go to the Philippine embassy (maski na feeling ko hindi ako welcome) just to get the feel that I am in my country. Once, I even heard our national anthem being played during a UN Week activity in Upstate New York, I said to myself, we have the most melodious anthem in the world.

  19. hey bernie.

    maraming salamat sa pagbisita. di naman kailangang maging OFW para maramdaman yung nararamdaman ng lahat ng mga pinoy na umalis sa sariling bayan para tumira sa ibang lugar. bumisita ka pa pala sa manhattan para lang makalasap ng kapinoyan – i could never do that and i admire you for doing it.

    ingat at hanggang sa muli mong pagbalik.

  20. your entry was very honest, unkyel batjay. although i can’t say i can relate because i’ve never had to leave home and live in another country. i just think that home is wherever your family is, and since andiyan kayo mag-asawa, there’s not much that you long for back here, except the rest of your family.

  21. after staying in pinas for almost 2 months, having visited makati, tagaytay and many other places, na realize ko na mas babalik kami sa pinas than in singapore if things don’t work out here in sydney.

    kailangan mo lang ulit bumalik sa atin tito jay.

  22. sisimulan ko na ang pag-imbento ng transporter machine ala star trek. bebentahan kita, para anytime makakauwi ka ng pilipinas hehe. iniisip ko for example nung mga tita at tito ko na 30+ years na sa isteyts. ganyan rin siguro nung pinagdaanan nila dati.

    anyway, agree ako dun sa sinabi ng isa dito na pag magbakasyon ka sa pilipinas, pagalis mo ulit, it doesn’t get any easier. in fact, mas nakakalungkot pa nga siguro, kasi at least dun sa una mong pag-alis ng pilipinas, excited ka pa.

  23. i hope you won’t lose that feeling of being a pinoy even though you and your wife is living in the states. one unsolicited advise…….next time you felt that feeling, open up a bottle of barrio fiesta bagoong (ung hot and spicy) and everything about the philippines will come rushing back to you.
    stay pinoy forever jay!

    regards……….bong

  24. i’ve been living in switzerland for almost 19 years. wala ka talaga marereklamo dito, almost perfect na dito. pero inspite of that i still miss pinas! iba pa rin sa’tin. i’ve seen many places, pero pinas pa rin ang no 1!sana bumalik yon gana mo tumira sa’tin.

  25. I’m sorry for bringing up a relatively old topic, but I got to thinking:

    You might become more and more open to the idea of spending the rest of your life outside of the Philippines…
    You might entertain thoughts of moving back less and less…

    But I have a hypothetical question: Suppose you are diagnosed with an incurable disease..

    You are then told by the doctor that you only have a few months left to life.

    You know that if you liquidate all your assets, you can enjoy yourself in those last few months – basically live as though you’ve retired very early, albeit it will be a very abbreviated one.

    Where would you spend your last few Months? Weeks? Days?

  26. Ganyan din ang pakiramdam ko na hindi ko na nami-miss ang Pilipinas-hanggang nitong huling uwi ko.Dati kasi ay ako lang o missis ko lang ang umuuwi dahil maliliit pa ang mga anak ko at masyadong malaki ang magagastos kung 5 tao ang uuwi.Pero nitong huling uwi ko ay kasama ko si missis at nag-enjoy kaming mabuti at balik na naman ang pagka-miss namin sa Pilipinas.Hindi naman dahil marami kaming narating o ginawa.Katunayan nga ay Tagaytay at Cabanatuan lang ang pinakamalayong narating namin dahil may inaasikaso kami.Pero yung araw araw na buhay doon ay mas interesting kaysa dito sa Toronto.Mas marami kang magagawa.Lumabas ka lang kahit sa labas ng bahay ay masaya na.Hindi nga kami nagta-taxi dahil mas masarap mag-jeep o mag LRT/MRT.Sabi ng iba ay dahil lang daw ito sa sandali naming pagbisita at dahil din mayroon akong pang-gastos.Aaminin ko na marami rin akong hindi nagustuhan.Pero sa ngayon miss na miss kita Manila.

  27. hinde, pinoy ka pa rin no… you’re just finally settling down. remember the old adage… you can’t serve two masters. something to that effect… magbungkal ka na lang diyan. ang daming plants and flowers todits, ang ganda ganda..

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